I struggle to initiate that first contact when it comes to putting myself out there, especially in social situations. In social situations, I'm on high alert. On high alert for saying the right thing. Paying attention. Thinking of the right thing to say after the first right thing. High alert for saying something funny. And, my mind is always buzzing with a 100 other things at the same time too. So, between all of this alertness, it leaves very little space for being vulnerable enough to create a genuine connection with someone.
It’s a mystery to me how I ended up with the friends I have and how I have kept some of them still. This is why I picked up this book. Count Me In by Emily White. It is not particularly about making and keeping friends. It is about understanding what it means for one to belong and feel more connected to where they live. I was expecting to read about the social hurdles Emily faced with trying to put herself out there. Her book about loneliness, called Lonely, was amazing. This gave me a good context for her reasons to look for belonging when she did.
I am moving again and this time it is to a place I knew as home for a long time before now. Madison, WI. It was a place where I felt I belonged. Yet, there is that fear. Will I still feel like I belong there after all these years? Or will everything feel forced? Will everything feel different? What was it about that place that made me feel like I belonged there? Gotta be able to describe that if I want to recreate it. Right?
This book was written from the perspective of someone who grew up right here in Toronto and who has family that lives right here too. Even after having the advantage of living in a country they grew up in, Emily still had trouble feeling like she belonged in her new community. She spells out what all she tried explicitly to create a sense of belonging in a place where she was feeling none of it. First, she named what all made her feel like she belonged when she last did. Animals. Nature. Caring. Etc. Then she set about chasing everything she could to recreate that feeling.
The book is a little slow at times but it contains a wealth of experience. Emily tried everything from making her home more homey.....to joining group swimming classes....yoga classes....meditation...pilates......taking up gardening in her local community....to seeking religious groups (for her religion was a positive experience growing up which is not necessarily the case for most LGBT folk).....to caring for sick kittens through the humane society......to Greenpeace........to attending rallies to save pigs from being butchered for meat. There's excruciating detail on everything she tried and why some things worked vs other's. So, if belonging is not something that you deeply hunger for, you'll want to find another book. This one might bore you or seem much too obvious. But, if you are missing that crucial feeling? If everything seems well externally but you still can't seem to fathom how the fuck to belong or feel connected to your community? Read this book.
It was refreshing for me to read the many ways in which someone else struggles with something like this. I thought it was just me. Our perceived rejections in group situations affect so much of whether we will stick with that group activity long term. The alignment of the intensity of involvement that a group seeks from you and what you are able to give at that moment in your life journey is also hard to find. The group leader's personality also plays such an important role in making the members feel like they belong and feel open to seek belonging. I never thought of that aspect but it makes sense. Emily also shares how "buying" belonging feels vs creating it bit by bit through sustained effort and how you can rely on bought belonging for satisfying some tertiary needs but when shit hits the fan, you need meaningful connections and a strong community to give you that support. You show up for others without expectations and then maybe....just maybe....someone might also show up for you.
Emily shares all of this and more. I loved this book.
It would be interesting to read a similar book written from the perspective of an immigrant. An immigrant has more to overcome when they seek belonging. How does an immigrant create a sense of belonging? What does it mean for an immigrant to feel like they belong in a new country? What hurdles do they face when they try to belong? As an Indian immigrant, I've lived in many places throughout my life. Many different addresses in United States and a few in Canada. I still hunger for that one place I can call “home". A place where I will finally feel like I belong.
I found it interesting how so many of us expect to belong in a new place right away. This is what Emily's research shows. If that feeling isn't instantaneous we assume it's never going to happen. According to Emily, a true and meaningful sense of belonging is not something that comes quickly or easily. It takes effort. Painfully (for those of us who are introverted and struggle with social anxiety) consistent effort.
Especially in a world like today where our lives are naturally so much more individualistic and self focussed than they were before. There's lesser group activity than before unless you are paying for being in that group. Think of paint and wine nights....or art classes....or yoga classes. It is inherently harder to belong than it was before. Our families live further away now. We live in much different neighbourhoods than the ones we grew up in. Friends often live far and beyond. And, if you are an immigrant like me, then there's a million other things you are up against along with the different neighbourhood or not having friends or family in your vicinity. There's cultural differences. Language barriers. Food. Pop culture references. Slang. I could go on and on. This topic alone probably deserves a whole post by itself.
Belonging is a topic I've thought a lot about recently. Our upcoming move has forced me to question what home means to me and whether I'll ever find a singular place that will be home forever. I don't know about you, but I grew up fantasizing I'll end up living in a small little town when I grew up, where I'll know all my neighbours. My best friend will live in the same neighbourhood. Obviously. There will be an automatic sense of community and everyone will magically work towards preserving it. Some of these fantasies are a result of me having a mostly good childhood. My parents had many friends around them. We often had their friends and friends kids visiting us for dinners & parties. We went on vacations with them. Some of my best memories as a child come from those times. I never saw my parents struggling to belong or find friends. They were naturally (seemingly) surrounded by people all the time. I grew up celebrating every festival with our extended family and cousins visiting us. We saw them on vacations. This was the norm. Visiting my aunt and uncle for dinners just like that without any special occasion was the norm. Simply dropping by was the norm. Hanging out for no reason was the norm. Everyone knowing your business was the norm.
This sort of a thing only happens in fantasies though. Right? As an immigrant who has chosen a life far far away from her family and friends, I gotta work harder to create that sense of belonging around me. It's futile to expect belonging and "my people" to appear out of nowhere. Belonging will not be served on a platter to me. If a woman who grew up right here in Toronto, where she had lived a majority of her childhood & adult life, had to work hard to belong, I surely have to work harder than her.
But, you know what? Emily tried a 100 things. She went out of her comfort zone. And, it was comforting to read that ultimately she found what she was looking for. I'm hopeful that I will too. Especially, now that I've named the problem for what it is.
I'll stop right there. Yep, abruptly. Just like that. In conclusion, if belonging is a topic that interests you...read this book. And, tell me what you think!