Last year in November we lost Silo to cancer. He was our 10 year old grumpy pup. I so miss his quirks. It was a hard winter. His death was sudden and senseless. We had no idea he had cancer till it was too late. His tumor burst while we were away on vacation. It was traumatic to rush back home not knowing whether he was going to make it alive or not. His loss was felt like none other. But, what hit me hard along with that loss was the guilt of not being with him when it happened. It was that desperate kind of guilt you cling to. To keep hurting just a little more.
I eventually learned to let the hurt go but it took time. As a way to process it I wrote this letter to myself from Silo. Thought I'd share it. Perhaps, you've lost a pet? You might relate. The grief is deep and hits you in waves. This was my first death and it felt like my whole being cracked into pieces.
This letter is your permission to grieve and then to move a step towards closure and reconcile with that loss in your own way. My way was to invite another little pup in our home. Her name is Aloo. :) Your way may look different. But, move on you must. Change is the only constant. There is beauty in change. This change comes with a lot of pain but move on you must. And, while you do, I wish you strength.
Silo says -
"
Dear Mom,
I’m sorry I’ve been away for a bit. I had no plans to vanish all of a sudden but it ended up being so. Not ideal.
This feels weird. I’m a little cold. Sunday wasn’t just hard on you. It was a shit day for me too, you know? It’s a numbing feeling. My heart won’t beat like before. I feel much too tired. And you two aren’t with me. This time it doesn’t quite feel like the others I’ve been away from you. I’m not quite sure where I am. I’m not home. I wish I was. There are no windows where I am. And, there isn’t any sunshine. I wish I could walk over to my favorite spot at home and lay in the sun right now. Where I was happiest.
But, don’t you worry. I’ll be ok. With time. And, you will be too. I have other good boys and girls with me to keep me company. Most are a little sad. Like me. They too miss their people. But we have a little new comers party later today. I’m taking some peanut butter for everyone. Another pup is bringing cheese. Mild cheddar. Made in Wisconsin. I think between the peanut butter and the cheddar it will cheer up atleast a few of us. I’ll be watching the cheddar closely.
I gotta say. This is hard. I haven’t been this far away from you before. It’s new. I don’t like it too much. There’s rumors going around that we all might have to be good boys and girls again soon. But, I’m trying to think of it as a new adventure. I’ve had you both on all my other adventures but it looks like I might have to brave this next one by myself. The work of a pupper is never done. Once a good boy, always a good boy. Eh?
A sharp memory of your fingers running through my hair remains with me. I still remember your smell like you’re sitting right beside me. And, l almost perfectly recall how Advait tasted and let me tell you it was better than butter on warm toast. You should remember to kiss him good and make up for me. Add a reminder to your never ending list if that’s what it takes. That’s your job now - at least for a few months - until I find another good little kisser for him.
What I most vividly remember is how loved I was and how much I adored you two. Even in that last moment, right before the special meds kicked in, I felt profound love. Yes, I wanted to be home. But, I was hurting so much. I too wanted the pain to stop. The way it happened was not ideal, but it is ok. I know you did your best. Just like me. I made sure I got to say goodbye to you. All three of us did the best we could. It was a difficult day for everyone.
But, you gotta know that all those good memories we shared for the last ten years will outlast the pain from Sunday. And the grief you experience, I promise, will lessen with time. Eventually, the good memories will shine brighter. They were much too good for all that other stuff to come between us. You gotta remember. We had more good times than bad. More laughs than cries. More experiences to be grateful for than not. This is how I want to be remembered. As a happy, even if fleeting, part of your life’s journey.
I respect your grief over me. I had to leave suddenly. But, don’t you worry. One day I’ll find another good boy for you. I promise. Someone I know you both will love. I’ll send him your way. Or her. Equality and all. I’ll send her your way. With hope and stars in her eyes. She’ll fall in love with you just like me. She won’t know what hit her. She’ll have the time of her life. She’ll know love like no other. She’ll carry a little part of me. Be sure to remember that. And, treat her like you did me. With kindness and compassion.
Until you meet her, be kind to yourself. I looked after you more than you realize. I washed away your worries at the end of a long day. I saved you from atleast a few house fires. That fire alarm went off a thousand times. What would you have done without me barking to let you know? You are much healthier because of me. And, by the way, I also rescued you both multiple times from awful stray cats plotting attacks against all of us. I made sure they didn’t come near our home. You guys are so gullible. You were lucky to have me. I knew what those cats were up to. You had no clue! Not that I ever got any credit for that. Only scoldings. And, if that wasn’t enough, I orchestrated atleast one good laugh everyday. It was all planned and perfectly executed. By me. You fell for it every single time. Ha. Rolling on the floor laughing. I loved that I got to make you both giggle. Continue to do so. Keep giggling. Think of all the silly things I did and have a little giggle party once in a while in my honor.
Who will make you laugh without me? I worry. It might take me some time to find your next potato. Until I find her, you be kind to each other. Think of the good times with me and smile. Try to laugh off the troubles I gave you as a pup. Hug each other like you hugged me. Go visit your friends and family. Continue to go hiking and on daily walks like you took me. It’ll be hard at first but do it. Promise me you’ll do it.
You have my permission to grieve, but I gotta know you are ok before I send you a new friend. So, grieve. But, try to remember the good times more. Think of how I was always ready for the next thing on the menu even as a 70 year old fella. Always by your side. Ready for an adventure. And little by little, your heart will heal. I’ll be watching. The moment I believe you are ready, you will see a new friend come your way. Be sure to have an open mind. I was a weirdo. And, you both are weirdos. So your next one has gotta be a weirdo too. There’s absolutely no other way.
And yeah, don’t forget to feed her. Yeah, it’s gonna be a her. I know it in my old achy bones. It will take time for her to learn your quirks. It took me 10 years. Woof!
Ok. You take care now. I gotta chase that heavenly squirrel. I know it’s been eyeing me with those black beady eyes full of spite. Woof! Woof!!
With love,
Silo, Shuli, Lulie, Shulo, Mulu, Shunumunu, Tutupupu, Pututu, Batutu, Dhindu, Gindu, Shylee, Fafudus, Chotu papu, papudus, etc.
P.S. - I'm old. I can’t remember them all. I had a million names.
"
Aloo
This is Aloo. Our 14 month old Great Dane mix. She's a total lovebug and I see clear signs she's been following Silo's instructions well. :)
